TGIF

I really don't like working on Fridays, but I am working a little bit today. I had to do safety training this morning which consists of sitting in front of a computer at the safety council place for 2 hours. Yuck. Now I'm at work for a couple of hours, then I have a dr aptt. Then it's just me and Boo all weekend. We do have to go to a HS graduation tomorrow. I have been trying to decide if I want to take Boo or get a babysitter. The family will probably cry if I don't bring him, so I probably will, but it will be tough to go to a big stadium with a baby... I think Sunday we will stay home all day. I just need some days at home all day with my child, not going anywhere.

Good article on working mom

This is a good article written by a working mom. I need to heed some of this advice, to give up some of my guilt that I can't stay home with my baby. But I'm just not sure if I can completely give up the guilt.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30701768/

Back pain

I did something to my back last weekend. No surprise there, carrying around a baby 24/7, but this time it keeps getting worse instead of getting better. It's mostly in one spot, stabbing, throbbing pain. So I'm going to dr tomorrow.

Boo was super cranky last night. We are not used to hearing him cry for more than 2 seconds. During his bath he started screaming. Then he didn't want me to put on a diaper or pajamas. Then he was so mad he forgot why he was mad. Poor baby. It's been a long time since mama holding him or nursing him wasn't enough to make him happy. Nathan rocked him, I held him. Finally we gave him some Tylenol and gas medicine, and he went right to sleep. I don't like giving meds for no reason, but something was wrong. It really had me on edge for him to be upset. He woke up twice in the night. He was pretty happy this morning.

Being a working mom is hard

That is the understatement of the century. I have always thought of myself as an intelligent person, but when it comes to this, I really had no idea how hard it was until I became a working mother. This post is not meant to be a "poor me" post, but rather I would like to bring some issues to light, especially for new mom-to-bes out there. I have for my whole life assumed I would be a working mother. I never thought I would want to stay home with children. I assumed I would have babies, go to work every day, and just live my life. So our financial decisions were made assuming we would have two incomes. I knew that I would love my baby, but I seriously had no idea of the magnitude of that love. I am really crazy about that boy!! I love being with him. I never want to be separated from him. I never feel like I need a break, even when I really do need a break. 24 hours a day is not enough time for me to spend with my son. So working is very difficult. Pumping breastmilk at work just serves to remind me twice a day that I am away from my child. It's very difficult to have a single person care for a child. It's wonderful for the child, but it takes more coordination on all parts. Of course I love SIL and wouldn't change things, but I'm just bringing to light that it is difficult. If anybody is late or sick or has car trouble, I'm late for work. If a working mom has a strict schedule, that would be very difficult. I am fortunate to have a flexible schedule. Otherwise, I would probably be fired. Basically, I wish that I had thought all of this out a long time ago so that we could be in a position for me to stay at home. I just never understood why a college educated, career woman would want to stay home with children. Ha!! None of that matters when you see your baby's face.

Fun

Preschool graduation was super cute. The kids said the pledge of allegiance, sang the national anthem, sang songs about days of the week, months of the year, did some speaking parts, and got diplomas. Everybody passed around Boo, but he ended up back with me. I nursed him in a quiet corner of the room. We got home late, but we had already eaten and bathed, so it wasn't too bad.

Now... more work.

A better night

Last night was a lot better. I hope we have a few good nights. At least I got some sleep. He slept from 9:30 - 4am then till 7am. Can't complain too much about that. It seems like everybody else with babies has them sleeping through the night... Oh well, this will pass in time.

We are supposed to go to Nathan's nephew's pre-school graduation tonight... I know it will be fun to see them sing and be excited, but it's at 7 pm about 30 mins away from home... Our night-time routine will be very messed up. We have to feed baby, eat dinner, take a bath, then relax for a little while for little boy to fall asleep. We'll see what happens.

No luck

I tried the sleep in the nursery thing... Didn't work out so good. I could not fall asleep in there for some reason. And then I went to my bed, and then Boo woke up, and I couldn't hear him till he was screaming. Then I fed him, and he slept in his playpen in our room. I think we will stick with that a little longer. I do wake up with most of his noises, but I don't get him up unless he is awake and squirming and hungry. He slept from 1-5 then till 7. Then Nathan got him up and let me sleep till 10. So I feel a little better except for a big headache.

I think we will have a nice lazy day today.

Long weekend

I am really enjoying this long weekend. We are just hanging out with family and getting a few things done around the house. It's raining hard right now. Boo has not been sleeping at all. He has been rolling over and waking up mad. Last night we used the sleep positioner, and that helped. It has little triangle pillows to keep them from rolling over. But he still woke up every hour. I don't know what is going on. Tonight I am going to put him in his crib and sleep in the room on the futon. Maybe having more room will help. One time he woke up scratching the side of the playpen... Silly boy... Maybe one day I will get a decent night of sleep.

Vacation

I booked our "vacation" today. I've just had this itch to get away lately. I know it doesn't make sense. I mean how much vacation can we have with an infant. There is a beautiful lake about 1.5 hours from Beaumont called Sam Rayburn. We are going to this resort for two nights the weekend of July 4. It will be nice to get away and have fun in the sun. We are really trying not to spend much money these days just in case one of us loses a job. So maybe a vacation is not the brightest idea, but it's not very expensive, and I haven't gone anywhere for a long time. Plus we can cancel if we change our minds.

Nathan's company is doing lay-offs next month. Hopefully he is not on the hit list... My company has been doing lay-offs for a while, but I am in a unique position and shouldn't get laid off... But it could happen any day. Times like these really make me question some of the financial decisions we have made. We have a pretty high house note and a very expensive car. At the time, the house seemed like a good idea, a good investment, but now... not so sure. I asked Nathan last night, "Did we ever consider that we might lose our jobs? What were we thinking??" And the car was a major impulse buy. I try not to worry myself sick about all of this. But it is trouble-ing.

Quick post - discuss baby food

Just wanted to do a quick post to say everything is going well. Boo slept from 10 - 5:30 last night!! I think baby sleeping is a rollercoaster. I will just try to enjoy the good nights. He ate sweet potatoes last night and really enjoyed them. He liked that much better than bananas and the pears. Bananas - yuck, pears - ok, sweet taters - yummy. Or maybe he is just enjoying the eating process more? Who knows. We just do a little bit and stop when he is tired of it. Some days he doesn't eat at all, some days almost half a jar of baby food. I feel like I don't really know what I am doing, but we are doing a new food every few days. Dr said to start feeding, so we are. Boo doesn't really like when I mix the food with the cereal though. I know he doesn't really need to caloric value of the food. It's nothing compared to the fatty breastmilk.

Momma's boy

So I'm not sure if I've said this before.... Chesley is a major momma's boy. He was fussy for Nathan while I took my bath last night, and as soon as I got him, he was happy and laid down next to me and went to sleep. He did better last night, slept from 9:30 till 3:30 then till 7. I feel mostly rested and my brain seems to be working better today. We have so much fun together in the evenings playing, talking, laughing. I can really get Chesley laughing and cracking up now. I tickle him and kiss his belly. These times are so sweet and fun and priceless. Of course I always wish for more time with him, but I do cherish every minute we have together.

I wish

I really wish I could stay at home with my son. I just didn't know how I would feel about work before we was born. And of course when we were buying a house and buying new cars, I wasn't thinking about having a baby and wanting to not work. I don't mind my job, I just want more time with Boo. I have thought up all kinds of crazy ideas that would allow me to stay home, but none are reasonable at all... Nathan could get two jobs... Win the lottery... Sell our house... (possible but there is a long road of repairs to be done and still possibility of not selling)...Nathan could get a higher paying job (not likely in this economy)... I could quit, get fired, laid off, but that wouldn't be good financially... I'm sure every working mother has these thoughts. I just seem to have them a lot. I am thankful that I have a good job in these hard times. I just miss my baby.

Still not sleeping

Boo only slept an hour or two at a time last night. Not sure what is going on. This is what is hard about nursing. He is now a certified momma's boy. And I have to do all of the feedings.
Even when Nathan wants to put him to sleep, I usually have to take Chesley for him to go to sleep. I let Nathan try for a while, but Boo is just a momma's boy.

Bumbo Boo

Here is Boo in his bumbo chair. We are feeding him cereals, and we even tried some banana, but he wasn't crazy about it. I think he's pretty cute in his chair. He still has the wobbly bobbly head, so we can't roam too far from him, but he really likes being upright and being able to look around the room. So grown up already... He even sits like his daddy, laid back and lounging.

He is not sleeping well (hence I am not sleeping well). Not sure what is going on. He woke up at 2:30 and really didn't want to go to sleep in his bed. Finally at 3:30, I stopped fighting and let him sleep with me. Not a habit I want to form really. But I was so tired... Yeah, I know, I shouldn't, but I did. Then we were at at 5... 6... 7 for good. He doesn't scream, just grunts and cries out until I pick him up. I let him lay there and grunt for a while before I get up, but he will not go back to sleep on his own sometimes. But I still think he's too young to let him cry it out. So I will love him and feed him and stay up with him for now.

Crazy day

I can already tell today will be a crazy day at work so I am going to post early. They are asking me to do a lot of work that I don't know if it can be done. But... baby food still must be made. I have my sign on the door and someone still just came and knocked. I know you need me, but it will have to wait. Must pump at some point. I figured I would do it early to avoid conflict. Oh well.

Boo ate some banana baby food last night. He wasn't so crazy about it. Maybe I will just mix in a little banana to his cereal tonight.

4 month check up

Chesley's 4 month check up went well. He is 14 lbs. 9 oz and I forgot how long. He was 42% on weight and about 60% on length. So he's not the biggest baby in town. Oh well. As I already knew from reading, he is a little bit behind developmentally, but I'm not really worried. Of course I want my son to be the best he can be, but I think he's ok. Every child is different. He doesn't have perfect control of his head. He can't roll over quite yet. He doesn't like tummy time. But he laughs, "talks", coos, looks around, and is a very happy child. The rest will come in time. The shots were terrible. Nathan did come so he could be there with me for the check up and the shots. Poor little boy cried a little longer than last time. But by the time we got in the car, he was ok. He was very tired and went to bed early. So he didn't sleep through the night. He woke up at 1:30 am and was a little cranky. He didn't go back to sleep till around 3:30 or so. Then he (we) were up at 5 am, then 6 am... I didn't get enough sleep. The dr recommends letting the babies "cry it out" but I am not going to do that right now. There may come a day where I decide to let him cry, but that day is not today. Dr also recommends starting solid food. We have done cereal now and then, so we will keep doing that and introducing new foods, maybe just at night for a while. Some nights, we don't get cereal because he is too cranky or too sleepy. I don't think he really needs the nutritional content of the food, maybe just to get used to eating food. It's such a huge responsibility to be a parent and have to make all these small yet important decisions for your child. But we do the best we can.

I started birth control pills the other night... Yuck. They are making me feel yucky and crampy. I don't know if I will continue taking them. I will try for another week or so and see if it gets better. It's hard enough to function with limited sleep, much less feeling crappy. I would rather not get pregnant quite yet for mental sanity and money reasons and health reasons. So we'll see how that goes.

More thoughts...

Thanks Caressa for that comment. I also believe that there are no good reasons for a healthy woman to not be able to carry a baby and deliver it. But it opens up questions about when the choice is between a woman dying or the unborn child dying. I believe that God should make those decisions and not us. But what if there is very little chance that the child would survive? Should the woman sacrifice herself? Such hard questions. There are so many situations that could possibly justify abortion. I hate even saying that... That's why I believe any law making abortion illegal needs to have a lot of allowances for different situations. But I think that it should not be legal for a woman to have an abortion when there is no justification.

Also, I mentioned this, but I didn't elaborate. When a couple does ivf (in-vitro fertilization), sometimes, many more embryos are created than are needed. We had 11 embryos. They are teeny tiny 4, 6 or 8 cells. They grew in a laboratory incubator for 6 days. 2 were placed inside me. One grew to be my wonderful son. One grew for 10 weeks and then died in utero. This was a very difficult loss for me and Nathan. There are 9 in a cryo storage facility in Clear Lake. We can transfer some of them inside of me if we want another pregnancy. I really struggle with some of this. Should we try on our own to get pregnant first before spending thousands of dollars on fertility drugs and dr bills? Then, if we do get pregnant on our own, what do we do with these embryos. If you define life as beginning at conception, then if I "discard" these embryos, is that murder? Or, does life begin when the pregnancy begins? Does it begin when the embyro develops a brain? It will be a very difficult decision if we ever have to discard these embryos. Were we wrong to create them and let them be stored?

All these questions of course are very controversial. Like I said, I struggle with these issues. We decided to do ivf because we strongly desired to have a child. And he is the light of my life. I can't say that I believe what we did was wrong. Hopefully we will give all 9 of these embryos the chance to develop into life. I think that ivf is a wonderful gift that modern science and drs can help women who dream of having children make those dreams come true. But it does approach on some touchy subjects.

Please feel free to share your thoughts. I don't have any problem with publishing any type of opinion as long as it is not malicious in nature.

Right to change my mind

As is the title of my blog, everything is my life is changing, including my views on some major issues. I feel that I have a right to change my mind, and I want to share that with you. I have always felt that abortion should be legal, and that a woman should have a right to a safe abortion. But I've changed my mind. It's wrong. It's murder. It's a human life that is precious and should be protected. By the mother. By the father. By our laws. It's such a complicated issue. I do think that if the mother's life is in danger, she should have the right to decide, and that doctors shouldn't be at risk for criminal punishment for saving a woman's life. And I do think people have a right to let go of stored embryos. So when does life begin? Conception? Pregnancy? Birth? These are the mysteries of life and cannot be answered by anyone on earth. But these questions have to be answered to make laws... There has to be a line drawn somewhere. In this country, abortions are legal, but killing a newborn child is a sinister crime. Killing a pregnant mother and her unborn child is considered double murder in some states. So how is abortion legal? I used to feel that abortion was inevitable and that young women should be protected against back-alley abortions. Now I feel that these women should be educated against abortion and helped with their pregnancy and birth of their child. Murder and rape and other crimes are going to happen, but that doesn't mean they should be legal. So I've officially changed my mind.

Little boy is going for his 4 month check-up today and shots... not looking forward to that.

Heartbreaking

I've been keeping up with Kayleigh and she passed away yesterday. Please pray for this family as they endure the unthinkable nightmare of losing their precious baby girl.

Mothers

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day yesterday. I had a very nice day and felt like a bit of a queen bee. Nathan got me two very sweet cards, one from him and one from Chesley. And he got me some Burt's Bees lotions and things. We spent the day with my family. We spent Saturday with Nathan's parents, so everybody got some attention. Being a mother really changed the way I feel about my mother. I've always been close to her. Sometimes we do drive each other crazy because we are so different. But she is always there for me. I guess until a person has gone through pregnancy, labor, and delivery, and the care of a newborn, you really cannot fathom the immense responsibility of those things. You can try, but you just can't understand the pain, suffering, loss of sleep, and also the intense love and joy that comes along with a baby. So for the first time in my 28 years of life, I sat down and seriously thanked my mother for carrying me for 9 months, delivering me, and taking care of me when I was a baby. We talked about my grandmother, who died 6 years ago... seems like yesterday that she was here. So Mother's Day is a mixed day for mom. She is thankful for her children and grandchildren, but she greatly misses her mother, who was a wonderful woman. Mamaw adopted mom and her brother David when they were very young. They were both malnourished and under-developed. She was a snarky (Nancy's term) lovely woman. She half-raised me and my brother. We were very close. So after a lovely Mother's Day, I felt happy and blessed to be a new mother, to see my mother and thank her for all she has done for me, and to think back on my grandmother whom I love and miss.

Just another day on the ride

So Paulina is still feeling bad. Prayers for her to get better soon... Nicole will keep Chesley again today. She has a dentist appt this morning, so Nathan stayed home this morning until she is finished. She wanted to bring Chesley with her to the dentist, but I just can't see it being fun for anybody to do that. He is a very good baby as long as he gets his way... When he doesn't get his way, which is not very often, he's not so happy. Then tomorrow I'm off. Last night, Chesley slept all night. So wonderful. He was sleeping all night for a while, then not, but just one good night sleep is great. I did feed him some cereal last night, which I am going to continue. We've done it a few times, but we haven't really stuck with it. So much easier just to nurse. But if it helps him sleep better, we'll do it. Poor baby when he woke up was starving! I tried to change his diaper, but he wasn't having that.

Crazy morning

Paulina is sick today. I hope she feels better soon. There are definite advantages to having lots of family live close by. I called Nathan's sister and she is keeping Chesley today. She just completed cosmetology school and has some time off right now. She was dropping her kids off at school when I talked to her. She came straight over to my house after that. She' s great! We got him all packed up. Then I was feeding him, and he peed all over himself on the clothes I just put on him. Nice. So we changed him. Then she wanted to use the carseat base and not just use the seatbelt in the carseat. So we had to figure out how to get that out. Then she left with him. TMI ALERT*** Then I thought I was ready to go to work, then found out I just started my period. Change clothes. Gather supplies. Out the door! Get to work, meet with boss, now it's time to pump, eat lunch. Then get ready for a big meeting at 3:00. Then go get little boy. Whew!! Did you follow all that?

One year ago today...

One year ago today, my precious baby boy was put into my tummy. As most of you know, we did ivf to get pregnant. So this was the day the embryos were taken from the lab and put in my tummy. I was officially pregnant and didn't even know it. We had the procedure done in Clear Lake near Houston, TX about 1.5 hours from home. We spent the night in a shady hotel because the dr wanted me to rest that day, and all the nice hotels were booked. Then the next morning I went back to the dr to get progesterone that I took every day for 12 weeks. Then 6 days later, May 11, 2008, Mother's Day, I took my first at home pregnancy test. It was positive!! What a crazy, wonderful, painful, thrilling, exiting year I have had!!

So as I think back on this life-changing year of pregnancy and the birth and new life of my son, I am awe-struck and thankful beyond words at the beauty and wonder of life.

A little calmer

So this week has started off on a calmer note. We had a nice visit with Nathan's sister yesterday, just hung out and relaxed and baby-talked. Paulina came this morning. I left for work. Tonight we are eating dinner at mom's house to say farewell to some relatives that have been staying at mom's house. Chesley is still snotty and a little sick. Mya is snotty and sick too. Hopefully they both get better soon. So maybe this week will be "normal"? We'll see what happens.

Busy day

Nathan had to work today, so I went to hang out at moms. Then mom kept Chesley while I went to Target. Then we visited Papaw. He is super crazy about Chesley. It's a wonderful sight to see him holding and playing with Chesley. Papaw is about to have his 78th birthday. Hopefully he has many more years with us. Then we came home, rested. Then I went to the grocery store, did some laundry, and bathed Chesley, and got us ready for bed. He really loves his bath now! He splashes so much I get soaked. It's so fun. I think we are going to stay home tomorrow. Chesley is doing better, but he is still a little sick.

Caressa - I have tons of clothes that Chesley has already grown out of. I will get some together to give you for the baby you watch.